St. James Music Press

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Funny Stuff

The Weasel Cantata  The ONLY anthem on the Dietary Laws of Leviticus. Click on the title to download the PDF file!

First Timothy  1 Timothy 2:11 - Let your women keep silence in church! Click on the title to download the PDF file! Then sing it if you dare...

The Pirate Eucharist  From The Soprano Wore Falsettos - Number 4 in the Liturgical Mystery series. 

Elisha and the Two Bears - The unknown Henry Purcell masterpiece. From The Diva Wore Diamonds - Number 7 in the LIturgical Mystery series.
 

Liturgical Mysteries

Why do people keep dying in the little town of St. Germaine, North Carolina? It's hard to say. Maybe there's something in the water.
Whatever the reason, it certainly has nothing to do with St. Barnabas Episcopal Church!
Murder in the choir-loft...a choir director detective... they're not what you expect. They're even funnier!


 

CHOIR DEFINITIONS

Now that we have several new members in the choir, I am often asked, “Hey, Mark. Just what the heck are you talking about?” Admittedly, this query comes mostly from the bass section, however it must be pointed out that being in the choir is a highly technical and demanding profession. The terms that we use in music are not readily found in normal, everyday life. For example:

The lilting counter-melody sung over the hymn by the higher voices is called::
A) descant
B) death chant
C) LILTING? Hahahahahaha!

If you answered “C” you have the makings of a fine choir member for you are unusually perceptive.

Here are are several other definitions which you may find make your choir experience easier to understand.

  • Pizzacato - literally “Cat Pizza” Anchovies optional. 
  • Ritard - well ... the bass section, mostly. 
  • Mode - a key, reflecting a particular emotion. As in “I can’t sing that. I’m not in the mode.”
  • Parallel Organum - A method of musical gratification frowned on by early church fathers.
  • Obligato - a high pitched turkey call. Usually heard in the wild as “obblegobble”.
  • Faggott - a bassoon. Yes, a bassoon.
  • Camerata - a small camera.
  • Cantata - a small can.
  • Sonata - a small son.
  • Prelude - a small Japanese car.
  • Glockenspiel - a dark German beer. As in “Hey, Jim-Bob, throw me another Glockenspiel!” 
  • Homophony - an irrational fear of bassoons. 
  • Letcher Lines - “Hey baby, what’s your sign? Come to choir practice often?” 
  • Libretto - a soprano born in September. Usually highly compatible with a Saggitario. (See Letcher Lines) 
  • Minuette - roughly 52 seconds. 
  • Rubato - a reddish-brown vegetable found on cat-pizzas. 
  • Tonic - What is generally enjoyed over ice after choir rehearsal. 
  • Dominant - In a choral relationship, usually the alto. 
  • Euphonium - A choir invitation. If they won’t answer your letters, euphonium. 
  • Augmentation - Special surgery for sopranos involving the implantation of falsettos. 
  • Basso Obstinato - recurring wrong notes in the bass section. 
  • Incomplete Cadence - harmonius interruptus. 
  • Metronome - small elves which live in the London subway system. 
  • Basso Continuo - When the director can’t get them to stop. 
  • Score - Sopranos 3, Tenors 0. 
  • Riff - What happens when someone takes your choir robe. 
  • Contralto - An alto who has been convicted. 
  • Polychoral Motet - Six parrots singing "Cantate Domino." 
  • Aleatoric (Chance) Music - Music performed by the random selection of pitches and rhythms. 
  • Castrato - The highest male voice (some alteration required.) 
  • Étude - What comes right before the Beatitudes.
  • Concerto Grosso - A "Polka" Mass.
  • Glissando - What directly precedes the highest note of a descant.
  • Leitmotif - Like a regular motif, but less filling.
  • Polonaise - A condiment frequently put on a parrot sandwich.
  • Recapitulation - What usually happens after you eat a parrot sandwich.
  • Rondo - A popular sixties song as in "Help, help me, Rondo."
  • Theme - "We hate this anthem."
  • Theme and Variations - "We hate this anthem, the composer and all of the composer’s relatives."
  • Sectional Harassment Lawsuit - What happens when the director suggests that the altos

So, as you can clearly tell, music is a very difficult and complex subject which requires years and years of careful study.
Learn these definitions. They’ll be on the test.


 

CHOIR PERSONALS

(Acceptable abbreviations: Sp-Soprano, A-Alto, T-Tenor, B-Bass, S-Single, M-Married, D-Divorced, W-Widowed, NS-Non smoker, PIP- Police investigation pending, NC- No chant, C-Catholic, Bp-Baptist, E-Episcopal, L-Lutheran, CD-Choir director, NAG-No Amy Grant)


Good looking,
mature, widowed soprano with own home looking to meet tenor or baritone. Hair optional. Teeth optional. I have extra sets of both. No basses please. S-223

FOR SALE: Antique Uvular Restraining Harness. Teach your tenors to sing an “even-higher” high B utilizing this 19th century singing master’s invention. Can also be used to punish talkative altos. B-154

Metrosexual with passion for interior decorating and Beethoven looking to meet life partner with a rank of bishop or better. New Hampshire OK. T-334

LUSCIOUS, full-figured, Mezzo-Soprano looking to meet tenor who knows the score for an adagio to allegretto relationship full of meaningful crescendos, chain suspensions, and fermatas. Must be at least 5 foot 4. A-56

FOR SALE: Complete Edible Last Supper. All twelve disciples (made of pasta) included. “Very Good” condition — one of Andrew’s arms is broken off but can be easily repaired with a piece of macaroni and some squeeze-cheese. Perfect for that Good Friday meal. A-987

Choir Robe Models Needed
If you’d like to make some real $$$$ in the lucrative world of Liturgical Modeling, CALL TODAY! If you’re accepted into our program, the initial cost is only $379 for a photo-shoot and portfolio. We will help you market your god-given looks! MAKE MORE $$$ THAN YOU’VE EVER DREAMED!
1-800-JEZEBEL

MWA seeks same for gossip and occasional lunch dates. Serious inquiries only. B-23

SWT (Baptist) is looking for the Alto-Of-My-Dreams. If you are into long walks in the park, Contemporary Christian music and puppies, I could be the one you’re looking for. Non-smokers. T-5766

KING DAVID seeks his Bathsheba for psalms, figs and a little bathing. If you like sunsets, the Proverbs and the Song of Solomon, give me a call. T-8875

AMISH CHOIR DIRECTOR SEEKS SPOUSE. If thee likes rustic living, drawing water from a well and shapeless, black dresses, thou art for me. B-2

SNAKES, SNAKES, SNAKES: Tired of that boring worship service? Give your “Children’s Moment” an extra boost by introducing them to Mark 16:18 “...They will pick up snakes with their hands...” These 12" squirmers look like rattlesnakes, but are actually Hognose Vipers with false rattles applied with surgical glue . Completely harmless! Only YOU will know the difference!

MWM-NS (non-singer) seeks someone to clean house while wife is at choir practice. Serious inquiries only. B-365

ATTENTION CHOIR GROUPIES: Please do not mob the choir loft after Sunday Services. Wait until the crowds have cleared.

EARN $$$$ AT HOME IN YOUR SPARE TIME selling subscriptions to "The InChoirer". Send $5 and a self addressed envelope to The InChoirer, P.O. Box 1009, Hopkinsville, KY 42241

EVE LOOKING FOR HER ADAM to share garden of delights. Tenor preferred. High Baritone OK. No snakes in the grass please. S-4887

FOR SALE: St. Lucy’s eyebrows. Kept for hundreds of years in a silver case. This is the REAL THING. Just the right gift for that relic hunter on your shopping list. Only three left! HURRY! A-1936

We don't get out much! SWM-NS Two brothers trapped in a garden of delights looking for a couple of SWFs. If we don't meet someone soon, we're liable to kill each other! B-223

Beepers for sale. Don't care for the choir anthem? Do what I do! Have yourself paged at any time during the first 10 minutes of the service. First come, first serve. B-256

To Whom It May Concern: Whoever met me in the bathroom when the lights went out at the Choir Retreat, please call. I think I love you. A-6675

Prophet In His Own Country looking for respect. Good looking tenor with lovely high B and wonderful hair looking for soprano with same. To share duets, canzonas and a light mousse. Serious inquiries only. T-0975

SWM-B-NS-M(ethodist) is seeking SWF for "Creative" experience. If you like exploding universes, long walks on the beach and starlight. give me a call. No sopranos. B-223

FOR SALE - Genesis Halloween Costume. Mostly fig leaves - some poison ivy. Used ONLY ONCE! Make an offer. B-5563

WANTED - "The Seasons" Groupie. SWM, attractive but full-figured. I'm singing in "The Seasons". If you love Franz Joseph and rainbows, call me. B-8879

FOR SALE: Leisure Suits : 42R White, Sky-Blue, Lime-Green, Canary-Yellow. Also Gold Chains, White Shoes and belt. T-778. Ask for Cleamon Downs.

DANSNAG looking desperately for tall, good looking bass with penchant for pick-up trucks and Bach. Serious inquiries only. No Rutter. Send picture of truck. A-754

SOLOMON LOOKING FOR HIS QUEEN OF SHEEBA. The “Song Of Songs” is my favorite book. If your navel is a rounded goblet that never lacks for wine and your belly is like a heap of wheat surrounded by lillies, I’m the man for you. B-2282

CHANT-LINE: 1-800-Gregory (24 hrs. a day)

I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE for my husband’s debts. Donis Schweizer

B.R.A. (Back Row Altos) Now accepting applications for new members. You needn’t sit on the back row to be part of this militant feminist organization.

FOR SALE: The Olyhay Iblebay — Rare 18th Century Pig Latin Bible Edition. $35. S-89

SMT-NS seeks 30ish A or 2nd S. I dig C.S. Lewis, Small Group Bible Study and Amy Grant (non-secular). If your spiritual gift is from Ist Corinthians 12 or 14, give me a call. Serious inquiries only. No contraltos please. T-67

RELIC FOR SALE: The actual anklebone of St. Vitas. Left or Right, your choice. Perfect for any home or church display. B-445

FOR SALE: Rapper Bible. $20 OBO. B-9591

Professional Bass with an MD and a passion for Wagner and helmets seeks soprano with own outfit. Fully licensed and bonded. Diploma inspection available upon requests. B-2337

E-Z Sight Reading Technique: I’ll show you how. No more Wed. Night Choir Rehearsals! Stay home and enjoy yourself. Choir director approved! Only $79.95 for the complete home study course. B-1291

Good looking Tenor with pretty good high notes and great hair is seeking Soprano with same for a Brahmsian/Chopinesque relationship. Serious inquiries only. T-3552

If Ground Hog Day means as much to you as it does to me, give me a call. I’m looking for a S/D/W/WF (s or a) who likes to spend Ground Hog Eve huddling around a freshly dug burrow waiting for our furry friends to appear. Coveralls a must. T-8667

License To Use the nickname “Becky” in any choir situation. Tired of being called by your real name? Purchase this one time license, and you can be known as “Becky“ to any of your choir friends. Join the hundreds who have taken advantage of this unique nickname offer. Only $74.95. Free notarized certificate and name tag enclosed. T-2693

St. Lucy Medallion for sale. Brings good fortune to altos and other low voices. 14 ct. gold filled. Inscription on back "St. Lucy Look Down On Us." Only $24.95 (cash only). Leave in an envelope in the trash can at the corner of Main and 9th streets. B-575

Contact

Mark Schweizer
P.O. Box 249
Tryon, North Carolina 28782
Phone 828.859.0323
Toll Free 877.822.0304

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